Sunday, January 15, 2006

God Drives a Dodge

There are some really stupid people out there. Unfortunately some of them show up at family functions where it can be very difficult to run away or kill them.

Let’s take Aunt Thelma Lou (ATL): A great example of why man was likely not created in God’s image. He wouldn’t want to be associated with this one.

ATL feels very close to the Lord. One day, someone saw a car very similar to hers being driven by a nun. She responded, “It must have been God driving my car.” Frankly, if the Big Guy were to reveal himself he would likely opt for a better set of wheels than a 1992 Dodge Shadow, and why on earth would he be tooling through Greensburg, PA? Wouldn’t he go someplace really wicked, like Salt Lake City?

How’s this for a great opening line in a book? ‘She was the kind of person who put cigarettes in an Easter basket.’ Well guess what? Yep, ATL did just that. Two packs of ‘boros in her niece’s basket right next to the chocolate bunny. It made me really appreciate the holiday because nothing celebrates the resurrection like lung cancer.

We will miss her, but ATL has decided that she will no longer be coming to family gatherings. On a recent holiday, the phone rang and another relative yelled across the dining room, “Aunt Thelma Lou, It’s a collect call from the federal penitentiary in Indiana. It must be for you.” Now, everyone there knew the story about Uncle Al’s crack-fueled armed bank robbery binge and subsequent sentencing, but the announcement proved offensive and ATL decided that she would not come to family functions any more. We tried to talk her out of making a rash decision but …. OK, that’s a lie. Nobody said a word.

The good news is that, even in her anger, which required a five-page letter written in the form of a sermon to express, she is praying for all of us because, “That is the kind of Christian I am”. I know I’ll sleep better with the knowledge that she is putting in a good word for me. You should all be so lucky.

Pax Vobiscum


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